The presence of an absence

There is a first time for everything

There was a first time we went to have Thai food together

I didn't know it would also be our last

There was a first time we got drunk together

I didn't know there would also be a last time

There was a first time we had a video call

I didn't know we would also have a very last video call

There was a first time we jumped off that bridge

I didn't know it would be the last

There was a first time we sang and played Mr. Tambourine man

I didn't know there would also be a last

There was a first time we were all gathered in one room

I didn't recognize it, when it was also the last time we gathered, before we were all scattered across the country

There was the first day I felt it was summer

But I never really realized when it was the last

We celebrate the firsts

And we miss the lasts

Grief is love without a place to go to

Grief is not the enemy of joy

Grief is joy with a touch of realism

And then, I didn't know at the time

That it would have been the last time

Good, I didn't know

There are no pictures of the moments I was most present

I will carry the memories with me until the day I die

At least I hope I will.

Do we all find the words for things we feel?

Or do we sometimes fail to describe our state of mind

Do we have in our language the words we need to describe a feeling?

Perhaps the feeling is too complex to be squeezed into one word

Perhaps another language has a word for it but not yours

Desperately trying to hold on to something that is lost

Without accepting the reality 

That what is lost

Is lost and gone forever.